When I was at the dearly departed Cookie, overseeing health + beauty coverage for tot-lets and their gorge mama bears, I was visited by the ultra-smart guy who created Damon Braces. I think his name was Floyd, but you’ll forgive me if it was actually Frankie or Fabian or Fauntleroy, right? The Wee Lass was still a Diapered Darling at that point, so I was a touch sleep-deprived.

Anyway, what old Floyd had to say made such perfect sense. Here’s why:

If you’re my age (40s, okay late 40s, what-ev-er), and had braces when you were a tween or teenager, there’s a really good chance you had teeth pulled in the run-up to becoming a metalhead.

That was the shortcut route to alleviating crowding, and it probably lopped a solid chunk of time off your prison sentence. (Weirdly, I loved having braces, but I realize I stand alone in that sentiment.)

For example, I have a petite little mug and relatively large choppers, so four teeth had to go. And I think that was kind of the norm – two on the top, two on the bottom.

In the short term, this teeth-removal stuff is fine. You get your braces off and presto, change-o you are the biggest babe on the planet.

And then you get older. And everything starts to shift, and you lose “volume” in your face, and suddenly it all starts to go to dental-hell in a hand basket. And then, says Floyd, you are totally and completely cursing your parents for green-lighting that pre-braces yanking. Why? Because you realize how much you need them for the holy grail of youth and beauty: the super-wide smile.

Obvi Floyd isn’t down with yanking. So if and when the Wee Lass needs braces, and I think she will, we’ll undoubtedly go the Damon route.

But what about Momover Lady?

A few years ago, I went to visit the handsome and hilarious Marc Lowenberg, who has beautified the smiles of a galaxy of models, rockers and movie stars. I hadn’t seen him in eons, but he segued immediately from pleasant catch-up chit-chat to dire forecasts about my dental future.

It was all “dark triangles” this, and “collapsed smile” that, and by the time I left he had instilled the fear of god in me. I had much brighter teeth, because he’d just bleached me, but I was a big ol’ stress-ball all the same.

I know Dr. Lowenberg is right. And I know Floyd was right. The question is: What am I gonna do about it? I’m not really into the idea of veneers. I know a lot of people with those, and I never think they look especially natural. Blinding white and perfect, yes. But maybe a little too Hollywood. I don’t know. I’m not ruling them out, but I’m not ruling them in, either.

As crazy as it sounds, I’m leaning more toward Braces, The Sequel. I’m at least going for a consultation. Maybe I’ll end up with Invisalign, maybe Damon, maybe old-school metal. Whatever will get me fairly quickly and inexpensively to a wider, more youthful, Angie-r smile. Brad Pitt not included, of course.